I am not okay. I'm pretty good at hiding it, I'm really good at obfuscating or omitting details or denying it even to myself but I am just not okay. I haven't been okay for a really long time. About a year ago I was diagnosed with a long-untreated mental illness and have been trying to deal with it (I'm not comfortable talking about it much yet). I confided in Jason. We were trying to let it bring us closer together, but there were a lot of ups and downs and a lot of painful hashing out that had to happen first. And then 84 days ago my brother died and I have just fucking disintegrated.
I am hurting the people I love the most. I am feeling disconnected and far away from everyone I love. I am awful to be around. I am barely working. I am numb or having panic attacks, with no middle ground. I don't want to live in this world. I don't want to be me. I have gotten it into my head that the way to fix all of the problems would be for me to go back in time and surreptitiously unbuckle my seatbelt just before my car accident two years ago. If I could be 100% positive that me flying through my windshield at 70 miles an hour would prevent Jason and Gaea from being hit by those fucking psychotic drivers, I would do it in a heartbeat. If you're reading this and you love me, I'm sure that hurts to hear. I'm sorry. It hurts to think. It hurts to say. It sure as fuck hurts my partner. It hurts like hell not to be able to stop thinking.
I have people I love. I have a partner, I have friends, I have family. I have a snake. I have a lovely house and I get to garden and do things I love. I can make more friends. I live in a city with my fambly. I am getting my master's degree at a fantastic school in a fantastic program with a fantastic project, which is a dream at least 6+ years in the making. I have a hard time feeling any of it.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to stop feeling devastated. I don't want the pain to stop. I don't want to admit this is real and can't be changed. I don't want to heal or move forward. I want to want all those things. I want to want them so badly. But honestly, I don't want anything. I want to take other people's pain away but I can't.
I'm not suicidal. This is not a cry for help. I'm in therapy and I'm going to a Coping Skills group and I'm meditating and I'm on medication. It just all fucking sucks and as a culture we don't talk about mental health and as a person I have been posting nothing but happy nonsense and political reposts and I didn't want to be lying like that anymore.
