You know what I want most from the Star Wars universe? More than land speeders, more than ATATs, more than Leia's hair or Wookies or BB-8? More than fucking Ewoks???? Force ghosts. I want to look up at the end of The Last Jedi and see a wiggly blue outline of my brother sitting next to me, smiling his goofy smile and lifting a glass to me like he's fucking Obi-Wan. Even if he was inexplicably Teenage Jason like after they remastered the originals to include Anakin for no good reason. I'd be fine with that.
This is not fair. This is so fucking unfair and unjust. I don't want there to be a Star Wars movie that I've seen and he hasn't. I couldn't wait to tell him after The Force Awakens how I'd started crying in the theatre because all my life Star Wars felt like it was made for him and I just loved it from the sidelines but now finally, FINALLY there was a Star Wars movie that was made for ME! But I didn't mean just me. I was excited to be able to share it more fully. I will also be crying in the theatre for The Last Jedi. Probably the whole time. Like, from beginning to end, no matter what is happening on screen, just that weird lady sobbing in the back of the theatre. That's me.
Some of my clearest and youngest family memories are of watching the Original Trilogy together. Jason was obsessed. I can't count the number of times I watched those movies and I never watched them without him until my senior year of high school. We went to see all of the Prequels together. By the time Episode III came out he was old enough to drive us to the theatre and to this day that is the only movie I can think of that we ever went to see just the two of us. Makes that whole volcano scene worth it.
He had all the books. He had light sabers. He had Darth Maul's double-sided lightsaber. I'm pretty sure he dressed up as Darth Maul one Halloween. All our favorite puns were Star Wars-themed. Two years ago he got me a Rey shirt for Christmas that I wear all the time now. I stole the Rey doll he used to keep at his desk at work. You get the picture, right? Star Wars was a huge part of Jason and a huge part of our relationship.
And I'm not even really sad. I mean, I'm sure there's a giant ocean of sadness lurking somewhere underneath but my primary emotion is anger. I am just so fucking angry. Why isn't he here for this?? How can the world be moving on? How can it possibly have been seven months already? Every passing day feels like it takes me farther and farther away from my living brother and I just want it to fucking stop. He should be here for this. He should be here for all of it. This isn't what was supposed to happen. This isn't fair. This isn't right. I am just so goddamn angry at the whole fucking universe and I can't imagine ever not feeling like this, deep down, just under the surface, somewhere in my heart for the rest of my life. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck the people who did this. Fuck everyone who gets to just be excited about this movie. Fuck everyone who gets to see this movie. Fuck 2017 and every year that comes after it. Fuck Star Wars.
