It started almost right away. In January, a week after my birthday, my friend and sorority sister Justine died in a car crash. I haven't talked about it much because I know that there are tons of people who were affected much more profoundly by this than I was. I wasn't terribly close to her, although I had always wanted to be, and even so it was pretty hard. It came on the heels of the death of one of my best friends from childhood seven months earlier, an event which left me feeling, in addition to the grief, pretty pointless, hopeless, and alone, thoroughly unconvinced and unable to be comforted by the thought of an afterlife the way so many other people seemed to be.
But the way that the community - AST, Beloit, and Justine's incredibly strong and loving family - came together to support each other through that time was really inspirational and started me thinking about the world in a better way. People came out of the woodwork with stories about how the smallest interaction with her had improved their lives. She lives on through everyone she touched, those she shared her life with and those she spoke to no more than once but who remember and appreciate her for it. It was beautiful. That is the kind of afterlife I believe in.
But the way that the community - AST, Beloit, and Justine's incredibly strong and loving family - came together to support each other through that time was really inspirational and started me thinking about the world in a better way. People came out of the woodwork with stories about how the smallest interaction with her had improved their lives. She lives on through everyone she touched, those she shared her life with and those she spoke to no more than once but who remember and appreciate her for it. It was beautiful. That is the kind of afterlife I believe in.
This was also the year I gave up my steady job and apartment in Madison to go back to interning, making no money and living with strangers in shared housing. I didn't go too far, I still see my friends in Madison, but it was a step farther into my chosen field and away from safety and a more "adult" life of choosing your own living situation, being able to save money, and having a potential source of income for more than 9 months at a time. It was scary and hard and absolutely the right decision.
Over the summer, my parents moved out of the house I'd lived in since I was seven months old. My father left the job he'd had for 25 years in Minnesota and moved to a university in South Carolina. While this was obviously a much larger change for my mom and dad, it meant saying goodbye to the place I'd always called "home" and getting rid of a lot of things I'd owned my whole life. Donating most of my books and almost all of my stuffed animals while around me strangers ripped up the carpet I'd learned to crawl on and tore down wallpaper I'd always hated but would miss just the same was incredibly difficult.
Around the same time, Alexander and I decided to split up after three and a half years. We're still friends and still care about each other a lot, but it just didn't make sense to be together anymore. The fairly mutual and logical decision didn't make the break less difficult to go through. The fact that I know it was right doesn't mean I'm not still sad about it even now.
I got together with him pretty quickly after my previous boyfriend whom I was with for a very long time, so this is the first time I've been single in my adult life. It's been hard and scary and exciting. I still don't really know how to deal with it but I'm learning. The break-up led me to question and change a lot of things about myself (or the questioning and changing led to the break-up? Probably both. Definitely both) and I'm still feeling pretty lost and extremely excited and terrified but finding out more and more about myself every day.
I got together with him pretty quickly after my previous boyfriend whom I was with for a very long time, so this is the first time I've been single in my adult life. It's been hard and scary and exciting. I still don't really know how to deal with it but I'm learning. The break-up led me to question and change a lot of things about myself (or the questioning and changing led to the break-up? Probably both. Definitely both) and I'm still feeling pretty lost and extremely excited and terrified but finding out more and more about myself every day.
I took my first solo roadtrip. I camped alone for the first time. I went out on the town in a brand new city all by myself. I'm not very good at being alone but I'm working on it and I'm starting to realize I kind of like it.
I started to explore my spiritual side this year, as well. First with services and a couple of classes at the Unitarian Universalist church in Madison, and then with a Buddhist meditation group. I really enjoy it, although I've fallen out of practice the last few months, and it's been partially responsible for a huge shift in how I think and feel. I know that this is just the beginning of this education, too, but it felt like some very important steps that I had wanted to take for a long time and finally did.
I became obsessed with Dessa (and Doomtree in general) this year. It sounds like a silly thing to be on a list of big life changes but it definitely was for me in ways I can't really explain. Music is powerful stuff and I haven't really loved a band like this since high school. Their music helped me through a lot this year and has definitely impacted the way I think about myself and the world.
I don't even look the same as I did at the beginning of the year. I've started wearing my glasses all the time, lost about twenty pounds, cut off most of my hair, and gotten two tattoos since last December.
I have a lot of excellent new friends. I love them all but a couple in particular (new and old) have been really instrumental in some of the more drastic changes and I'm forever grateful to them for that! I keep talking about being alone but even though I've been learning to be independent sort of for the first time a lot of people held my hand, listened to me talk (a lot. So much talking), gave excellent advice, and were generally my saviors this year. I can't begin to thank all of them in this post for everything they've done but I think you all know who you are and I want to tell you I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.
I'm conquering my fears, trying new things, challenging myself, and adopting new hobbies. I'm working on guitar and singing and finally actually attempted drawing and painting for real - and I'm not that terrible at them! More importantly, I'm going to keep trying.
I'm actually succeeding in changing some of the terrible habits I've known about but let continue for years. I've been thinking more deeply, paying more attention, and challenging what I've always thought about a lot of things. It sounds weird but in a lot of ways I feel like I'm re-learning how to feel. I would say I'm in a much better place than I was last year at this time. Even though it is scarier and less stable in every way, it's also exciting and much more free and meaningful. I've got a long way to go but I'm on the path and headed in the right direction and it feels really good.
I'm conquering my fears, trying new things, challenging myself, and adopting new hobbies. I'm working on guitar and singing and finally actually attempted drawing and painting for real - and I'm not that terrible at them! More importantly, I'm going to keep trying.
I'm actually succeeding in changing some of the terrible habits I've known about but let continue for years. I've been thinking more deeply, paying more attention, and challenging what I've always thought about a lot of things. It sounds weird but in a lot of ways I feel like I'm re-learning how to feel. I would say I'm in a much better place than I was last year at this time. Even though it is scarier and less stable in every way, it's also exciting and much more free and meaningful. I've got a long way to go but I'm on the path and headed in the right direction and it feels really good.
Really, this year was all about making friends with the Fear. I'm still working on it and it's still hard but I'm starting to really appreciate the hard things in life, and looking back on the year it's amazing how much progress I've actually made.
If I had to sum up this year in just one picture it would be this one:
If I had to sum it up in a song it would be "L'audace" by Sims (http://doomtree.bandcamp.com/track/laudace) or "The Crow" by Dessa (http://dessa.bandcamp.com/track/the-crow). Ooh! Or "Into the Dark Unknown" by Holcombe Waller (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpVpK6Csf1I). There was no way I was actually going to pick just one.
Here's to a challenging, exciting, spectacular 2015 filled with new discoveries and adventures. I'm starting out well - I'll be leaving on the 3rd to live mostly alone and do field work with the whooping cranes on their wintering grounds in Texas. Terrifying, exciting, and exactly what I need.
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