Grief Realtalk Part Deux

I've had a couple of good days in a row. Or at least, I haven't been sobbing much. It's hard to tell if I'm feeling better or just numb. And if I am feeling numb, that's bad and I should stop. And if I am feeling better, isn't that just awful? It's been less than a month! I should still be a completely wrecked shell! What does it mean about me as a person, as a sister if I'm starting to get over it?

I did some good self-care stuff this morning. I even got dressed and wandered the farmer's market downtown with Gordon. I was having a lovely time looking at sparkly sparkly jewelry I would never buy when a young mother behind me admonished her child, "Be careful, Jason!"

Then I started crying and hyperventilating in the middle of the farmer's market.

I'm not over anything. Of course I'm not.

Now I just need to convince myself that it's okay to not feel devastated constantly; that even enjoying myself on occasion or having a couple good days in a row are not things I should feel incredibly guilty about forever. Also numbness is probably occasionally necessary and okay in small doses. Just believing those things are okay is going to be hard. Grief is a lot of work.

Grief Realtalk

The stages of grief are bullshit. Like, I have definitely felt most of them: bargaining, wishing I could somehow trade my walking away from a car accident two years ago for Jason walking away from this one; depression, for sure; denial, comes and goes; but they're interspersed with lots of other feelings and they appear and disappear in a random order.

For a few days now I've been mostly solidly stuck in Anger. I am angry at the people who offer comfort of the "You'll see him again" or "Your dog is comforting your brother" variety. So far no one has said to me that everything happens for a reason which is good because I would break their nose. I am angry at you for having siblings. Not that I want anyone else to feel these feelings, I don't wish that or harm on anyone, but fuck you for still having yours when I'm alone in a way I was never supposed to be.

I am angry at the assholes who ran that fucking red light. I am angry at everyone I see driving even a little erratically. I'm angry at all the Gods and gods I don't even believe in. I'm angry at myself for things I said and didn't say, things I did and didn't do. I'm angry at time. I am so, so angry. And I have no idea what to do with it.