Go Fish!

It feels so strange to describe what I'm about to describe as a huge adventure, an ethical experiment, a big step in my life, when I know for so many people it is enormously commonplace. But, there you are. I just ate fish! Let me explain.

I've been a vegetarian for over 14 years now, more than half my life. I went cold turkey, so to speak, no easing into it by cutting out red meat first, no slip-ups in all that time, no exceptions for holidays or shellfish, nothing. My reasons for becoming a vegetarian were mostly centered around the cruelty of slaughterhouses but as I grew up I learned more about the incredible unsustainability of meat and fish consumption in this country as well as the inhumane practices and in time I just lost my taste for it in general. Until recently I was pretty positive I would never eat meat again. For the last two years through friendships with some extremely ethical hunters I've started to consider it but something was always holding me back: I would never feel comfortable eating meat without facing the fact that I was taking a life in a direct way. If I went hunting in a sustainable way, if I killed something, and watched it die, really felt the sacrifice that was being made for me, then I would eat meat again.

But the opportunity never presented itself, plus I was worried after all of that I wouldn't like it or I would get sick - either due to guilt, the placebo effect, or the fact that I don't have the enzymes to digest meat anymore - whatever the reason, I'm really not into vomiting. I try to avoid it at all costs. So I had settled into believing I would probably never eat meat again.

Until, as a thank-you for all our hard work, the head of the gamebird lab at Tall Timbers offered to take us all on a deep sea fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico. I said yes, excited for the sun and the sea, and did a lot of soul-searching about how I felt about the fishing. Gordon was enormously, incredibly helpful, having done a lot of the research I was now trying to do in one night. He had researched, for instance, the fact that suffocation/freezing are actually pretty painless ways for fish to die. That their bodies just sort of shut down gently like falling asleep. I researched the species we'd be likely to catch to make sure we would be harvesting sustainably (http://www.seafoodwatch.org/), and I tentatively decided that when I went I would fish, that if I caught anything I would try to cook it and eat it and use this as an opportunity to explore my world in a new way.

We woke up at 3:00 am to get to the boat by 5:30 when it was supposed to ship off. Most of my coworkers aboard were kind of good ole boys and there were bets laid on who would get the biggest fish and plenty of southern trash talking. There was also sea and sky and wind and it was lovely to be on the water and heading out far enough that we couldn't see the land.

Sunrise as we set sail.

Also we saw dolphins!

Before we even got to the first place to drop our lines there was a tug on one of the trawling lines, continuously streaming from the back of the boat. My bosses were extremely excited for me to catch something so they had me sit in the chair with the rod and reel as fast and hard as I could. I caught the first fish of the day: a fairly small king mackerel. The first fish I'd caught since I went catch and release fishing for tiny freshwater sunfish with my dad when I was nine.I got high fives and a healthy dose of pride.

The rest of the day was fast and furious fishing. More often than not I baited my own hook, even though poking a hook through a dead fish's eye made me wince every time. Once I accidentally grabbed one of the live bait instead of the dead ones and I could feel its heartbeat as a strung it on my hook. That was horrifying. I seriously considered putting it back but no matter what I did that fish would be used as bait that day, and my inability to kill it would not save it and ultimately it was fulfilling its purpose in the food chain to help us catch the bigger fish that would feed us, but it was still a feeling I will always remember, the fish limp and cold in my hand with the dull beating in my palm. 

I watched the fish we brought on board intently to see if I could tell whether they were suffering. I am not an expert in animal cognition but at this point I'm a pretty keen observer of animal behavior and to my eye it looked like Gordon's research bore out. Once on board, once the hook had been removed and they were laying flat in the cooler, the fish quickly settled down. If poked or riled they would flop and seem to gasp but when left to lie in the thin air on a bed of ice they seemed to settle and expire as peacefully as possible. I did my very best not to turn away from any of it.

I caught two more king mackerel - fun because they are real fighters - including the biggest mackerel of the day! I caught two runner jacks and a bonita - a beautiful fish that put up a hell of a fight. I caught a tiny red snapper, too small to keep, that the deckhand slid off the hook and back into the water for me. My last catch of the day was a small vermilion snapper, right on the border of being big enough to eat. The first mate was busy, so I hauled it up myself, held the almost beatifically calm fish in my hand and ever so gently coaxed the hook out of its mouth and where it had been wedged below its eye. It didn't puncture the eye, the fish didn't seem to feel it, but it was dainty work to pry it loose without ripping its face or puncturing its eye. I did it patiently, without making the fish squirm too much, and then let the small fish slip back into the deep water. That was my last catch of the day and it felt good to end on a note of mercy.

To be honest, it was fun. It was a new experience. It was sun and salt and surf. It was fighting with nature in a new and unaccustomed way, sometimes triumphing, sometimes bringing up my hook to find I'd been outsmarted. It felt like being a part of the food chain in a way I'd never experienced before. There was a nice camaraderie on board, I got a little southern twang going trash talking with all the dudes. All in all, it was a pretty wonderful day.

The king mackerel I caught, biggest of the mackerels we caught that day.

In the end, I didn't keep much. Most of my catch went to the other folks aboard to keep them from buying grocery store unsustainably caught fish which I feel really good about. My boss took the mackerel I first caught, the small one, home and cleaned it for me. They all insisted I take two of the snapper fillets home even though I didn't technically catch any.

I'd caught and killed fish all on my own, now the only thing left was to learn to cook it. And see if I liked it. And if I could keep it down. Well, it took two weeks to get the time and to get my nerve up but tonight I cooked the mackerel, the one I caught and killed myself. I haven't cooked any kind of meat since I was young enough to need adult supervision. I've never cooked fish. I looked all over the internet for different recipes but the most popular ones were always very simple. In the end all I put on it was olive oil, salt, pepper, paprika, and lemon.

I broiled it for maybe eight minutes, completely unaware of how to tell when fish is done.I felt pretty confident that it was done well when it moistly fell apart when I tried t transfer it to a plate. I screwed up my courage, took a bite, and...

I loved it. It was DELICIOUS. Light and lemony and perfect. It was moist and practically melted in my mouth. I was so afraid that the texture would be abhorrent to me but I just loved it. I had to force myself to eat slowly, little bites, and take breaks to make sure my stomach didn't rebel at any time, but it's been an hour and I've kept it all down! I ate the entire thing. It was absolutely delicious. It felt so good to know that I had fought for this meal, that I had won it in a contest of strength and learned to cook it myself and that I was enjoying the fruits of my labor. I felt bad that it was at the expense of another living creature, but it felt good to be a part of the food chain in a new and interesting way. Also it was SO GOOD. I ate salad along with it to trick my body into digesting it well.

I don't think this is the end of my vegetarianism in any way. I still consider myself a vegetarian. I will probably eat those two red snapper fillets in my freezer and still consider myself a vegetarian. I may never go fishing again. I may make it a staple of my diet - fresh fish caught by me. I'm really not sure what it means about the future, but it was a really excellent experiment and experience! I found out that I am stronger, braver, and better at cooking than I ever thought I could be. I did something brand new, something WAY outside of my comfort zone. I took a risk, I took a chance, on a gut feeling and advice from people I trust and respect, and it turned out beautifully. Honestly, better than I ever thought possible. My world is a little bigger now.